F-T-Somethingelse

Okay next week it will be 8 months and still no updates or pictures. *shakes head*

With plans for top surgery..things are at a stand still. For UM-GCS, I completed my intake and have managned to get all my lab records and medical records to them. The problem is yet again, a gatekeeping issue---the therapist letter.

The therapist who wrote me letter for hormones...agreed to also write my surgery letter. When she brought this to her associate/head therapist of the clinic where she works, she was told she would need to see me for a few more months. In addition she was also told that she would need to charge me extra--above and beyond what i would already be paying for a session, for her to write the letter!!!!!!!!! This is soooo unethical, and not even common practice. I can't even believe it.

I'm planning on addressing this..both personally and professionally (as someone who works in the area of LGBT health). And as much as I need/want to advocate for change....I so badly want my surgery. (not that I can't have both...i just..recognize my priviledge....)

My last option is a newer therapist i started seeing a month or two ago. I'll be asking her early this week. She's my last option without starting over again with a new therapist and waiting weeks...months.........

Updates

It's been a few weeks since I've updated. There are a few things I've been wanted to mention:

-It's almost my 6 month on T anniversary!!

-My mom twice in the last week has verbally acknowledged my transition. Prior to this she has taken a firm stance of denial. She commented on my voice last weekend, asking again if it was a cold. Before I could even respond she said, oh, it's just your voice dropping then. Later in the week she asked me how much it costs to "do what I'm doing". small steps...i keep telling myself. small steps.

-I have been working since August to make arrangements for my top surgery. To summarize: The Dr. at Beaumont fell through. I have strong feelings regarding Dr. Wilson, and do not want him to perform my surgery. There are sooo few options. Today I did a phone intake with UM GCS, something I thought I would never do. Now it's back to the beginning with letter getting and records transferring. 6 weeks for a consult and 6 weeks for a surgery date.

Sigh.....

-Big changes in my personal life..Carrie and I are moving to Ferndale, finally,this month. we're excited but overwhelmed with the move.

-Presenting at Creating Change next month with carrie!!!

-And I'll be at the Against Health conference tomorrow and today at UM. I'm hoping I will get to see some folks I haven't seen for a while!!!

Passing more...

Evidence I am passing more...being directed to the men's dressing room!!!

Yea!!!

5 Month Update

Sooo...what's happening. Arm hair is what's happening...I've noticed lots of dark hairs wrapping around my arms, even a little on my forarms, where there was none. I also have a lot more hair on my upper legs, a little on my stomach and chest.

My hips have gotten smaller and mr. chubs (my stomach) has defiantely gotten a little bit bigger.

I think people are more and more confused by me. I've noticed most of the time no one uses pronouns.

I've been having more and more back pain from binding. It was so bad on Sunday morning that I ended up not going to the AIDS walk. sigh.





























AND NOW ..............one of our pup Crunchy. She was playing with me while I was talking pictures....

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The not so happy

I noticed that my struggles with my family have been missing from anything I've written oh here yet.

It's enough to say that they are in denial, choosing denial, preferring denial, I'm told.

I wish I could go through a day without thinking about this pain...right now.

Maybe it won't always be like this?.

self-actualization

Last night I helped out a friend who directed the troupe I was in last summer with a theatre workshop for trans and queer youth at the High Scope retreat house. Mainly to perform a piece I had written as an example of "telling you story" and from someone who is definitely a non actor. I think the workshop went well, I wished I would have been a little less nervous.

The grounds were beautiful, and I'm a bit sad that I couldn't stay for the whole weekend. I meet some great, creative, and intelligent youth and spoke with some of the program staff as well.

After talking to a few people last night it got me thinking about how I often compare myself, my story, my body, my experiences to those of other trans guys...of course using these things as a way to invalidate my own identity, letting all that internalized transphobia rear it's UGLY head.

Last night in a very "queer" space I suddenly found myself to be the more "gender conforming" person there, meaning I think some of the other transfolks there Id'ed as genderqueer noho types, and viewed me in a certain way accordingly. not a bad way....though. nobody asked about pronouns and assumed I was bi, which is pretty damn close. It was bizarre and great at the same time.

But back to the comparison (this constant thing in my head about me not being "real" not being "Trans enough") minus all that comparison, in a fairly safe space I felt that i'm the person that I wanted to be. wanted to be..for so long. like whoa, that's me, this is who I am this is what I'm doing, this is how I'm living. It was a good realization.

It seems the most simple and most complex thing for me was just self-actualization.

12-6-06

I have a surgery date.
Everything is still up in the air.
but I have a date....no deposit needed for a date they said.

Surgery consult updates

The surgery consult went very well. The Doctor was knowledgeable and gentle. He spent a long time with Carrie and I describing the procedure, taking measurements, pictures, and answering every question very pateintly.

although he has not done very many FTM top surgeries he is very well known for his cheast reconstruction work and breast reduction work---with minimal scarring.

I feel very confident that he understands my identity and my desired outcomes. And I can even get a surgery date in early December.

The problem is my work insurance policy does not cover trans related care.
The work insurance policy should cover trans realted care. I can't say more about it right now...but I am in limbo..waiting.....

******Please note this next section is vague beucase I'd like to maintain this blog publicly and this situation should not be made public until it is resolved******

And I've reached a point where I have to begin to advocate for myself. I find it much easier to advocte for others. Hell..I feel like I've spent a good portion of the last 6 or 7 years doing that. But when it comes to me.....

And now the risks are higher. less about emotions and more about my survival...my empolyment and not just someone elses policies...someelse's stuggle (not that that's not important) Now, maybe I really am an activist..beucase now there is risk and my life and my freedom and this injustice ARE worth the risk.

sometimes this awkward existance makes policy. and i feel so goddamn pissed off and resistant. I want to be quiet. And parts of me sometimes want to come in and work hard and go home feeling satisfied.

4 Month Picture Update

4 months on T and I've got 2 words for you:

PIMPLES and HAIR GROWTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a top surgery consult appointment Ausugt 24th at 10am. I am so very excited. I finally made the call.

I refuse to let others dictate one more breath..one more movement.

Context

I've been thinking a lot about the "stories" that we tell ourselves. The narratives that make up our collective, often forgotten, histories. For survival. For validation.

My stories just don't match. Parts of my body are still here. Parts of my past, parts of my thoughts are here. Most of me isn't going anywhere.

So I'll pass on the tips, the lessons, the resocialization...

Yes I notice...I'm still ovulating...not bleeding, just ovulating, and yes, I'm a guy who ovulates, and it won't be like this forever...and I will fight to love myself now..just as much as I plan to love myself when that no longer happens.

I will not be made invisable by your stories. Sometimes, it seems, I am so quiet beucase my story doesn't make sense. Sometimes I think I am living in the wrong context.

My voice

Today I had to change the personal greeting on my voice mailbox at my new job. I just recorded a message and checked to see how it sounds.

I was totally floored. It was the first time since starting T that I had heard my voice recorded---actually heard what it sounds like. WOW. It sounds sooo different to me. I was so fucking excited (mainly because I sound like a totaly fag) YAY!!! Since I have no way recording my voice for now you should seriously call my voice mail at work to listen to it. leave me a message and tell me what you think. 248-398-7105 x26. If you get a recording hit 26 (my extension) and it should take you there!!!

Passing....

In my attempt to not get run out of bathrooms and just feel safer here in Fabulous Gaylord Michigan I decided to try double binding. I usually have so much back pain from wearing one binder that I scoffed at the thought of 2.

and...WOW...I'm as flat as I've ever seen myself.

Nobody know's i'm trans unless the conference organizers sent out a memo LOL...(since I requested a single room with my scholarship) And I'm passing..or should I say people are precieving me the way I want to be percieved....as a guy...but...*sigh* not totally how I want to be percieved beucase I would check a trans box rather than a male box..if you get my drift. And it is so weird. can i say that again...sooooo weird.

Many people from the conference went out to Big Buck's Brewery...and this is basically downtown Gaylord...if you don't kn ow anything about this resturant..think beer and deer heads and hegemonic masculinity. When i finally had to use the restroom i hesitated for a minute standing in front of the women's restoom.....our server laughed and said "sir, you're in the wrong place..the men's bathroom is over there" oh god...the joy and the dread! hahaha...now i had people watching and not much choice...I kept hearing laura saying something like.."omg you're in big buck's brewery in gaylord going into the men's room....it's tranny bashing season!!!"

Everything was fine.....but...whew..it was a little stressful.

"passing" is still strange for me....I need to write and think more aobut it...I have a lot of fears around it actually..but I think i will always a person with a complex story...who's identity isn't always visable..no matter how peeople percieve me.

random thoughts

I'm away in Gaylord Michigan at Treetops at the Michigan Smokefree Environments conference. I am supposed to get my shot tomorrow morning, but am waiting until friday afternoon when i get home. Carrie is doing my shots. I have a major phobia of needles..shots..blood ect. Sometimes it amazes me that I am so interested in health related work. Anyone who knows me might find this to be strange with my history of injury and love of tattoos ect. But those are much different things...to me. I do hope to be able to get to the place where I can self-inject if need be. It is frusterating to be dependent on others (even though i like when Carrie gives me a shot. It is our little ritual, and helps her feel part of my transition, which I also enjoy)

It's officially been three months. I am having trouble trying to describe how I feel these days. I think part of me was really wrapped up in all this exhilerating stuff of starting T and coming out to a lot more people....and now I am left with life and all these changes and dealing with family stuff in the backgroud that I have been avoiding.

A lot of body issues lately. Not so much issues...more like awareness, thoughts, ponderings, processing, particually around BDSM. Carrie and I went to our first "play party"/event last weekend. It seemed most people recognized me as her boy and not her boi which felt good. Sometimes I think I "pass" more in non-queer spaces...I find this very interesting.......I'm thinking about how i might want to play in public spaces, what to wear on the bottom...on the top? Flogging through shirts..ect.

I'll do a more detailed 3 month update on Friday night when I get home

they print 8,000

Today was one of those days where I found myself not trusting people and their possilble good intentions...their ability to ever understand or care enough to ask....ask anything...

I felt and often feel vulnerable in a workplace which is "supposed" to be a safe haven for trans folk.

Today in the newsletter at work there was a brief announcement about me starting my new position with a picture. The picture was an old picuture. The picture is not a picture of who I am today. It is so difficult to be recognized for who I am on a day to day basis...and this is not the image I want everyone I am going to have to work with to have of me in their mind before they meet me......

The thing that is most frusterating about this incident is that the photo was going to be used back in April of this year at a fundraising event and Carrie happened to be in that meeting. She was able to explain to others whythis photo would not be a good choice to use whithout permission. duh!

A co-worker tried to keep reminding me to assume good intentions, but when mistakes are repeated I feel so angry and resentful.

Fears

This whole weekend has been amazing, in that I feel so relaxed. I also feel reconnected to my body. I'm really not sure why? I think it may have a little to do with the fact that I am alone (with carrie of course, who validates my identity) but mainly alone with myself to see myself and feel myself. With little outside "looks" or daily invalidations. It does a lot for this boy's confidence, self-esteem, and anxiety level *sigh*

On the drive up to Luddington Thursday night, Carrie and I got to talking. We talk abut my plans for top surgery this winter often, as I will be able to use my insurance for this purpose after October 10th. And...and our drive I was finally able to articulate a lot of my fears about the surgery which I so badly want and need in many ways. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt/shame for even feeling so "afrid". I'm afraid these fears are somehow attached to my identity.

I'm afraid of feeling loss
I am afraid of feeling alone
I am afraid of really feeling like I am 'neither' even though i already feel that way. Maybe it is the fear of not having some sort of default...even though I fucking hate it. my body not having any sort of safe space.

i think mostly...the saddest thing...is that I have a deep deep fear of actaully liking, loving my body. I have so much invested in this "not right" feeling. What will it mean to love more of me? What does it mean that I don't already.

I just want to yell at myself and say stop it with the god damn internalized transphobia already. but, alas...I am trying to be gentle with myself. Feel my feelings.

And on a random note: This is me as a kiddo. Yeah, I even had a big mouth back then!

Two Month Updates

The 19th was my 2 months on T day. Today was another lazy day full of cleaning, naps, and obsessive comupter checking. I took some pics today after i woke up from a nap. Thought these might be fun and random. I get tired of the same old transition pics. .....





















Things I've noticed:

My leg hair is finally growing and pretty fast. yay..I finally have leg hair.

Arm pit hair is getting longer and growing a bit more on the sides.

I was getting a lot of facial hair on the side of my lip. I decided to shave for a while until i have more facial hair. Having two or three big patches just looked silly on me.

I notice that my face looks different...it's still hard to describe, fat redistribution.

I think the most interesting thing that is going on right now is my voice. It is all over the place!!! up and down and cracking in just about every conversation I have. I think I am still trying to speak at a range? higher than I can, as my vocal chords change. It's amazing to hear and listen to myself...I swear I sound different everyday.

I continue to be crabby, emotional, and lethargic on Wednesdays...the day before shot day. I imagine this would be a whole lot worse if I was injecting ever 2 weeks instead of once a week. I don't really like doing it every week, but, for me, right now, I know it's better.

I think that's it for now....back to playing with the animals and watching RENT with Trista...

Random meme thingy....

Hello My name is

Knoll

I am

activist, artsy, BDSM, bbw admirer, bear lover, bottom, boy, chubby, chubby chaser, complex, creative, cuddly, drama queen, effeminate, FTM, FTX, fat, femme-fucking, femmeboy, fetishist, freak, geek, gender bender, gender variant, genderfuck, genderqueer, glittery, indecisive, kinky, LGBTQ, mama's boy, misunderstood, nerd, none of the above, odd, omnisexual, pansexual, polyamorous, polysexual, puppy, queer, quirky, right-brained, sex positive, starfucker, submissive, survivor, sweet, tranny, trannyboy, trannyfag, trans, transfeminist, transgender, transman, transtheorist, understanding, unique

Who are you?

Bleeding...or not

I'm getting close to being on T for two months. I have been feeling strange....I can't really explain the feelings. My emotions are up and down...my body is too hot or too cold...i'm really tired or bouncing off the walls. I feel more all over the place now than I did when I first started.

I wonder if this time it has to do with the fact that I got my shot yesterday and was supposed to start my period yesterday. I've only bleed one since starting T. I've had some cramping though. I think I am done bleeding. I hope so. I was dreading it...and it feels like I am finally feeling at home in my body. I feel happy to celebrate something that I feel like was not right for my body--ending.

I used to try to not associate bleeding with a gender...like pretend to myself that this happened to my body, but not becuase I was a particular gender..or..had a certain type of body. It was just something that happened to me and only me. I feel like I lived a lot of my life that that....as knoll and as knoll as the execption to the rule.

I think some of these issues play into some of my anxieties about actaully passing....

more to come on that and a 2 moth update soon.

Much love..

Knoll

A Poem....

"I didn't start at F, I'm not ending at M.
It may be a continuum but definitions take over if you give in to em'.
Androgyny oughta be both/and not neither/nor, the vacuum natures abhors
& culture won't accomodate, & govternment forms won't allow you to approximate.
I check the box F & I feel like a liar, check M for Male and I feel like a fraud,
in a world that pretends such things are commanded by God.
Maybe someday they'll firgure out that the boxes are too small.
In the meantime the only choice is, checking them all. "

From Not Starting at F, Not Ending At M
by Skian McGuire

voice changes

I guess my voice changes are becoming more evident.

Tonight at work a youth at work after hearing my voice commented.."whoa, your voice sounds different...sounds like you dropped a nut or something"

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Month 1 Update

I've been taking T for 6 weeks, but am just going to make this my month 1 update. I hope to update this monthy for those overseas during my transition (Monique) and anyone who just can't get enough of my "look!!! I grew another hair" stories. I decided to start a seperate journal away from LiveJournal.

Currently I'm taking 100 mg once a week.
Things I'm noticing
-My voice is dropping a bit
-I'm hungry and horny like "Whoa"
-My dick is growing
-I'm growing a tiny bit of facial hair
-My jawline looks a bit different...fat in my face redistributing
-Mentally I feel really scattered
-Things are more visually appealing...

I'm not too sure if these last two have anything to do with the T...but it feels like they are.


Here are a few one month pictures...

First entry....

Welcome to my transition journal.

I began Testosterone 4-19-06 and will be chronicling my journey here.

Happy reading :)