Saturday, September 09, 2006

self-actualization

Last night I helped out a friend who directed the troupe I was in last summer with a theatre workshop for trans and queer youth at the High Scope retreat house. Mainly to perform a piece I had written as an example of "telling you story" and from someone who is definitely a non actor. I think the workshop went well, I wished I would have been a little less nervous.

The grounds were beautiful, and I'm a bit sad that I couldn't stay for the whole weekend. I meet some great, creative, and intelligent youth and spoke with some of the program staff as well.

After talking to a few people last night it got me thinking about how I often compare myself, my story, my body, my experiences to those of other trans guys...of course using these things as a way to invalidate my own identity, letting all that internalized transphobia rear it's UGLY head.

Last night in a very "queer" space I suddenly found myself to be the more "gender conforming" person there, meaning I think some of the other transfolks there Id'ed as genderqueer noho types, and viewed me in a certain way accordingly. not a bad way....though. nobody asked about pronouns and assumed I was bi, which is pretty damn close. It was bizarre and great at the same time.

But back to the comparison (this constant thing in my head about me not being "real" not being "Trans enough") minus all that comparison, in a fairly safe space I felt that i'm the person that I wanted to be. wanted to be..for so long. like whoa, that's me, this is who I am this is what I'm doing, this is how I'm living. It was a good realization.

It seems the most simple and most complex thing for me was just self-actualization.

1 comment:

Carrie said...

I'm so happy to hear that you did so much processing and feel like you're where you want to be. I love you, sweet pea.