Passing....

In my attempt to not get run out of bathrooms and just feel safer here in Fabulous Gaylord Michigan I decided to try double binding. I usually have so much back pain from wearing one binder that I scoffed at the thought of 2.

and...WOW...I'm as flat as I've ever seen myself.

Nobody know's i'm trans unless the conference organizers sent out a memo LOL...(since I requested a single room with my scholarship) And I'm passing..or should I say people are precieving me the way I want to be percieved....as a guy...but...*sigh* not totally how I want to be percieved beucase I would check a trans box rather than a male box..if you get my drift. And it is so weird. can i say that again...sooooo weird.

Many people from the conference went out to Big Buck's Brewery...and this is basically downtown Gaylord...if you don't kn ow anything about this resturant..think beer and deer heads and hegemonic masculinity. When i finally had to use the restroom i hesitated for a minute standing in front of the women's restoom.....our server laughed and said "sir, you're in the wrong place..the men's bathroom is over there" oh god...the joy and the dread! hahaha...now i had people watching and not much choice...I kept hearing laura saying something like.."omg you're in big buck's brewery in gaylord going into the men's room....it's tranny bashing season!!!"

Everything was fine.....but...whew..it was a little stressful.

"passing" is still strange for me....I need to write and think more aobut it...I have a lot of fears around it actually..but I think i will always a person with a complex story...who's identity isn't always visable..no matter how peeople percieve me.

random thoughts

I'm away in Gaylord Michigan at Treetops at the Michigan Smokefree Environments conference. I am supposed to get my shot tomorrow morning, but am waiting until friday afternoon when i get home. Carrie is doing my shots. I have a major phobia of needles..shots..blood ect. Sometimes it amazes me that I am so interested in health related work. Anyone who knows me might find this to be strange with my history of injury and love of tattoos ect. But those are much different things...to me. I do hope to be able to get to the place where I can self-inject if need be. It is frusterating to be dependent on others (even though i like when Carrie gives me a shot. It is our little ritual, and helps her feel part of my transition, which I also enjoy)

It's officially been three months. I am having trouble trying to describe how I feel these days. I think part of me was really wrapped up in all this exhilerating stuff of starting T and coming out to a lot more people....and now I am left with life and all these changes and dealing with family stuff in the backgroud that I have been avoiding.

A lot of body issues lately. Not so much issues...more like awareness, thoughts, ponderings, processing, particually around BDSM. Carrie and I went to our first "play party"/event last weekend. It seemed most people recognized me as her boy and not her boi which felt good. Sometimes I think I "pass" more in non-queer spaces...I find this very interesting.......I'm thinking about how i might want to play in public spaces, what to wear on the bottom...on the top? Flogging through shirts..ect.

I'll do a more detailed 3 month update on Friday night when I get home

they print 8,000

Today was one of those days where I found myself not trusting people and their possilble good intentions...their ability to ever understand or care enough to ask....ask anything...

I felt and often feel vulnerable in a workplace which is "supposed" to be a safe haven for trans folk.

Today in the newsletter at work there was a brief announcement about me starting my new position with a picture. The picture was an old picuture. The picture is not a picture of who I am today. It is so difficult to be recognized for who I am on a day to day basis...and this is not the image I want everyone I am going to have to work with to have of me in their mind before they meet me......

The thing that is most frusterating about this incident is that the photo was going to be used back in April of this year at a fundraising event and Carrie happened to be in that meeting. She was able to explain to others whythis photo would not be a good choice to use whithout permission. duh!

A co-worker tried to keep reminding me to assume good intentions, but when mistakes are repeated I feel so angry and resentful.

Fears

This whole weekend has been amazing, in that I feel so relaxed. I also feel reconnected to my body. I'm really not sure why? I think it may have a little to do with the fact that I am alone (with carrie of course, who validates my identity) but mainly alone with myself to see myself and feel myself. With little outside "looks" or daily invalidations. It does a lot for this boy's confidence, self-esteem, and anxiety level *sigh*

On the drive up to Luddington Thursday night, Carrie and I got to talking. We talk abut my plans for top surgery this winter often, as I will be able to use my insurance for this purpose after October 10th. And...and our drive I was finally able to articulate a lot of my fears about the surgery which I so badly want and need in many ways. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt/shame for even feeling so "afrid". I'm afraid these fears are somehow attached to my identity.

I'm afraid of feeling loss
I am afraid of feeling alone
I am afraid of really feeling like I am 'neither' even though i already feel that way. Maybe it is the fear of not having some sort of default...even though I fucking hate it. my body not having any sort of safe space.

i think mostly...the saddest thing...is that I have a deep deep fear of actaully liking, loving my body. I have so much invested in this "not right" feeling. What will it mean to love more of me? What does it mean that I don't already.

I just want to yell at myself and say stop it with the god damn internalized transphobia already. but, alas...I am trying to be gentle with myself. Feel my feelings.

And on a random note: This is me as a kiddo. Yeah, I even had a big mouth back then!