12-6-06

I have a surgery date.
Everything is still up in the air.
but I have a date....no deposit needed for a date they said.

Surgery consult updates

The surgery consult went very well. The Doctor was knowledgeable and gentle. He spent a long time with Carrie and I describing the procedure, taking measurements, pictures, and answering every question very pateintly.

although he has not done very many FTM top surgeries he is very well known for his cheast reconstruction work and breast reduction work---with minimal scarring.

I feel very confident that he understands my identity and my desired outcomes. And I can even get a surgery date in early December.

The problem is my work insurance policy does not cover trans related care.
The work insurance policy should cover trans realted care. I can't say more about it right now...but I am in limbo..waiting.....

******Please note this next section is vague beucase I'd like to maintain this blog publicly and this situation should not be made public until it is resolved******

And I've reached a point where I have to begin to advocate for myself. I find it much easier to advocte for others. Hell..I feel like I've spent a good portion of the last 6 or 7 years doing that. But when it comes to me.....

And now the risks are higher. less about emotions and more about my survival...my empolyment and not just someone elses policies...someelse's stuggle (not that that's not important) Now, maybe I really am an activist..beucase now there is risk and my life and my freedom and this injustice ARE worth the risk.

sometimes this awkward existance makes policy. and i feel so goddamn pissed off and resistant. I want to be quiet. And parts of me sometimes want to come in and work hard and go home feeling satisfied.

4 Month Picture Update

4 months on T and I've got 2 words for you:

PIMPLES and HAIR GROWTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a top surgery consult appointment Ausugt 24th at 10am. I am so very excited. I finally made the call.

I refuse to let others dictate one more breath..one more movement.

Context

I've been thinking a lot about the "stories" that we tell ourselves. The narratives that make up our collective, often forgotten, histories. For survival. For validation.

My stories just don't match. Parts of my body are still here. Parts of my past, parts of my thoughts are here. Most of me isn't going anywhere.

So I'll pass on the tips, the lessons, the resocialization...

Yes I notice...I'm still ovulating...not bleeding, just ovulating, and yes, I'm a guy who ovulates, and it won't be like this forever...and I will fight to love myself now..just as much as I plan to love myself when that no longer happens.

I will not be made invisable by your stories. Sometimes, it seems, I am so quiet beucase my story doesn't make sense. Sometimes I think I am living in the wrong context.

My voice

Today I had to change the personal greeting on my voice mailbox at my new job. I just recorded a message and checked to see how it sounds.

I was totally floored. It was the first time since starting T that I had heard my voice recorded---actually heard what it sounds like. WOW. It sounds sooo different to me. I was so fucking excited (mainly because I sound like a totaly fag) YAY!!! Since I have no way recording my voice for now you should seriously call my voice mail at work to listen to it. leave me a message and tell me what you think. 248-398-7105 x26. If you get a recording hit 26 (my extension) and it should take you there!!!