Love (minus DDD's)

I noticed Carrie smiling and chatting online, so I asked what she was giggling about. She explained to me how much physically and emotionally closer she feels to me after going through this whole surgery experience. She also said that she keeps doing double takes when she sees me, since my appearance and her mental images of me still hasn't caught up to the reality of the top surgery.

She talked about how she has already noticed improvements in my confidence and moods---just being more relaxed and more open and present. I know it seems crazy, but it's so true. Thy physical closeness is so amazing. After she helped me take a shower for the first time last night, she was sitting at the end of the bed and I was standing and wrapped my arms around her. It felt so different. All these barriers of self discomfort were gone...it felt so natural, like it had always been that way.

All this physical closeness has also made us feel emotioanlly closer...just more in love..or somehow falling in love all over again. She is so wonderful and has done so much these past two years to support me. As I like to explain to people she's never loved me despite of who I am but becuase of it---I wouldn't have it any other way.

*happy sigh*

PS. I also told Carrie about talking to Anna and her saying I better buy her a ring soon. To which Carrie responded "I need to talk to Anna more often!" LOL

Post surgery pics

I wanted to update folks on my surgery again. I know there are a few folks interested in seeing and leaning more about the process of my top surgery. On the 26th of Feb. I had top surgery (bilateral, with nipple grafts) with Dr. Kuzon (University of Michigan Hospital).


I had drains in for about a week and had my first follow up appointment today. I got the drains out, got the bolsters of my nipples and some of the stitches and bandages/tape removed. The doctor thinks that everything so far looks good. My chest is still very very swollen and pretty painful (although the exhilaration of seeing it for the first time definitely helps). I will still need to come back in a month, wrap with bandages, cover the nipples to help them heal. I also had to order another compression vest and will be wearing that for about 6 weeks or more.

I still can't believe how flat I feel. :)

I will be resting at home the rest of the week, feel free to drop me a line....

OKAY and now for the pics. Not the for the faint of heart. The real deal. One week after surgery. A lot of swelling will go down and this will probably look a lot different in a few weeks.

Poor Media Coverage

Michigan Transgender Media Coverage An article by Todd Heywood highlighting some of the poor media coverage for Michigan trans folks/issues in the past few weeks.

On the Mend

Me right before going into surgery: It's been about a day and a half after surgery and I'm hanging in there. Everything went really smoothly on Tuesday. I'm still having some effects from the anaesthetic and in quite a bit of pain, thankfully they gave me some good drugs. I'm not taking any chances and taking them every 5-6 hours or so. Emotionally I've been in really good spirits...happy, calm, and definitely a good sense of humor. Carrie and the puppers have been taking excellent care of me. More updates and pictures to come.....Like, for example, how is this obsessively clean Virgo not going to shower for 7 more days. LOL. *hugs* to everyone for all their support, especially Jen for being at the hospital all day and Laura for watching the naughty puppy Lola!

Simmie Williams

Another gay-identified, gender variant teen, Simmie “Chris” Williams, was killed this week.

I’m surprised that the article focuses on whether or not she was a sex worker and not much at all on the two men who (apparently) killed her. Another media story where trans people are blamed as victims.

This after Sanesha Stewart was murdered in New York and Lawrence King killed in California. All within the past week or so....

In response this blog post/article How to Kill a Transperson was published.

Comfort

It is such a freeing and comforting feeling to have total support from everyone important in my life before surgery on Tuesday. After talking to my parents some more today--they really expressed their understanding of how important this surgery is for me and how happy they are that I am able to finally have it done. I think that this is the first thing I am doing, transition wise, that everyone is rooting me on for. For me, it makes a big difference in my mental state going into surgery.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone and celebrating with folks tonight. It's just nice to feel so supported and loved *Hugs*

See you at registration!

Hey everyone---reporting live from Creating Change 2008! Working the registration desk right now for a few hours today and Friday as well. Carrie checked in yesterday afternoon, and I'll be staying at the RenCen on and off while driving back and forth to take care of the animals. I'm pretty excited that it is finally here. Looking forward to tomorrow for the daylong trans health access institute and the opening events!!

Personal update, trans health access

I know there are some of you have been aware of my struggle to improve health coverage at my employer for trans related healthcare for some time. My employeer (LGBT community center) actaully has good coverage, and one of the only plans where some things are covered..unfortunately they have some bad exclusions. They have (seemingly arbritarily, although I am sure it is based on some useage data or something) have decided that top surgery for trans men is not medically necessary--but bottom surgeries are. From the very first day I started as a full time employee I have inquired about our insurance coverage. For the last 6 months (well for the last year and a half, but more aggressively for the last 6 months) I feel like I have put a lot on the line to stand up for what I think is just and right (my financial stability, my time, physical and mental health, my job, and parts of my community) in this grievance/emotional battle over health insurance coverage for my transition related health needs. I think even worse or more draining is that I put my own body on the line...advocating with, about, for my own body which took much more of an emotional toll than I thought it would. And then...there are some movements on the issue...and this is supposed to feel like a victory...but all I feel are directionless and exposed and tired. And I suppose this is what organizing feels like....and I am not alone...at least not mostly. I have people I am consulting with and others who I am helping as well.....but everything is so strange, still. Maybe it is also because I am not a person who has ever advocated for myself and all of this is drumming up old self-worth issues. That I am valuable because I exist...that I am valuable because of many of my identities and that my basic health maintenance needs should be covered. If there was any internalized transphobie laying around..that's definitely been cleared out through this process.... Somewhere in the midst of this I forgot how to have fun, and fuck and enjoy it, and take walks and think and read and cook..and to get by have gone back on some psych meds (which oddly enough seems to be the most difficult part to write about) Of course to cope I have been working 60 hours a week and I'm fine as long as I don't stop moving and working.....*sigh* I'm working on all this stuff and working on working less and getting back to myself. I am trying to find time to celebrate some successes, even if they didn't come about in the ways I expected. I am also trying to do a better job of taking stock of my mental, physical, and emotional needs while doing this work beucase this is work I would like to do long term..and I know that even this work...work I started at my place of employement, has just begun. So, all this post was supposed to be was to let everyone know that I have a surgery date, Feb. 26th!!!---and all that shit came out. But I guess what I want folks to know is yes I'm happy and yes I am over-joyed..and yes I feel like I can move on with parts of my life and move on in doing the work I want to do becuase I'm finally going to have some of my basic health maintaince needs meet.....but the problem is not solved at my place of employment or for pretty much any other LGBT or LGBT friendly nonprofit in the state of Michigan. The solution (which I can't fully disclose) was beautiful and temporary. I'll probably write more on this sometime soon. I haven't been able to talk about it while I was in the grievance process. I would also like to share some of the documents and letters I wrote, in hope that they might be helpful for others doing this work.

Kwame's Apology

I've been reading a lot of the public and news response about Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick's televised apology last night. I'm in agreement with Stephen Hawkins who's Free Press article highlights Kilpatrick's sole focus on "personal" overlooks all the harm to the city. I mean, from the transcript it sounds like a wonderful public apology to his children and wife---but like a lot of folks are saying this apology is about $9 million dollars too late.

stinky pinky

I don't think I've ever quite understood the joys of being teased. Maybe it's because I'm a little sensitive, or possibly beucase I never did much teasing myself. Thankfully there is no limit to the zaney "teasy" names Carrie's delightful and creative mind comes up with for me. Some of my favorites have been scritches and yanks, white cholocate and now...just today she came up with stinky pinky (while driving back from the doctor's office to get my eye infection/pink eye looked) I've come to learn this means I'm loved---but seriously folks, how the hell does she come up with this shit!? LOL

Philly Trans Health Conference 2008

It seems so early to be talking about this already....but The Philly Trans Health Conference has been moved to Memorial Day Weekend (May) in 2008. I'm pretty excited about this change...so many regional conferences seem to all happen at the same time. The site is up for 2008 at http://www.trans-health.org/

I registered online today and a coworker (Laura Sorenson) and I submitted a workshop proposal--a skill building session on advocacy in medical settings for people of size. Hoping it gets accepted although we'll be going no matter what.

Our friends Patrick and Mindy also invited us to come early or stay late and spend sometime on the East Coast. Their daughter might also be in the area visiting. I'm pretty excited. Even though they have been out of the state now for a year and a half I still feel pretty close to them...and look forward to keeping our friendship going. They are just wonderful people!!

US Figure Skating Championships...file under GAY

I know some of you may think there are some more pressing news articles I could be sharing...BUT....I just got finished watching one of my FAVORITE (and okay..only) sports events....*drumroll* please...The US National Figure Staking Championships. I was so excited that Mirai won...even though she can't yet compete at Worlds....studpid rules!

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) — Figure skating finally has its budding star.
Mirai Nagasu delighted the crowd — and herself — with a refreshing and entertaining show at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships on Saturday night. Oh yeah, the 14-year-old became the second-youngest woman to win the title, too.
The other mighty mite? Tara Lipinski, and she wound up doing all right for herself.
When her scores flashed, Nagasu looked at the screen with interest. When she heard she'd won, she said, "What?" then clapped her hands to her face, a big grin breaking across her face.
Nagasu is too young to go to the world championships; skaters now must be 15 by the previous July 1, and she doesn't even turn 15 until April. Rachael Flatt, who finished second, also is too young. Ashley Wagner was third.

The sturdy skirt for men :)

The Local, Sweden Sturdy skirt a hit with Swedish workmen
Published: 17 Jan 08 18:38 CET
[PHOTO: <http://www.thelocal.se/articleImages/9689.jpg> ]

Mechanics, carpenters and plumbers who have tough physical jobs needstrong, functional clothing. But that doesn't mean they have to wearboring, old-fashioned overalls that their grandfathers might haveworn. A kilt for professional men recently introduced in Swedenfeatures roomy pockets needed to carry necessary tools and allows theworker to make a striking fashion statement at the same time

This men's skirt in heavyweight cotton has other advantages. It isundoubtedly refreshing – or at least mildly alarming – to feel acooling breeze running up your legs during a long, sweaty dayhammering in plasterboard or installing a new floor.

"We initially launched the kilt as a sort of experiment. We thoughtonly a small number of daring men would wear it. But it proved to besurprisingly popular," says Susanne Kristianson of Blåkläder, thecompany from Svenljunga, western Sweden, behind the unconventionalwork wear.
The trendy kilt has attracted a following among self-confident youngSwedish men who are not afraid to challenge conventional genderstereotypes - although, as any Scotsman would tell you, there wasnever anything girlie about wearing a kilt.

The unconventional garment is especially popular among carpenters: itfeatures two reinforced nail pockets, a loop for carrying a hammer anda knife holder.

One of Sweden's largest manufacturers of heavy-duty and protectiveclothing for men, Blåkläder sells its new workingman's kiltnationwide; it is also listed as a regular item in its productcatalogue. The garment was lauded as "Fashion Product of the Year" inlate October 2007 by TEKO, the Swedish Textile and ClothingAssociation.

Zoo fun!

Went to the Detroit Zoo today with Carrie and Jay. My parents got us a membership for Christmas. I've always thought Zoos were depressing, but then we went about a year an a half ago on a work outing--and it was pretty, and relaxing, and fun (yes, I said fun. lol. we all know how sparingly I use that word) Anyway...today we saw a red panda and the arctic ring of life display and the butterfly/aviary and penguin areas!

Smokefree abill passes in Michigan House!!

LANSING, Mich. (AP) -- After a decade-long push, health advocates eked out a victory Wednesday when the state House voted to ban smoking in Michigan bars, restaurants and many other workplaces.
The win may be short-lived, however, unless the Senate can be persuaded to consider the

legislation.
"We consider this an important first step in our fight, but we will continue to advocate for all workers to be protected from secondhand smoke," said Judy Stewart of the Campaign for Smokefree Air. (Rest of Free Press Article)

food orgasm

One of my co-workers brought in Trader Joe's Candy Cane Joe-Joe's. I am not an Oreo fan. I am not a store-bought cookie fan in general, but Oreos, with their grainy, lardy insides, are particularly repellent.

However, I am a sucker for a peppermint and chocolate combo AND for limited edition or holiday treats. While the Joe-Joe's look like Oreos, they surpass them in yuminess---to the nth degree!!!!!!!!!! The chocolate cookie was Oreo-level quality, but what really shines is the pepperminty inside. The filling is sweet, light, and vanilla-y--not lardy at all. The BEST part is the candy cane crush

The Candy Cane Joe-Joe's cost $2.50-2.99 at Trader Joe's. I would definitely buy them again and for all of my family and friends. YUM!

World AIDS Day

Maureen and I at work helped organize a display of some of the Memorial AIDS Quilt panels for World AIDS Day. Tonight was the opening reception. The panels will be up through Friday December 7th.

I forgot my gender!

Another fabulous comic by Jay Sennett. I particularly like this one in the context of all the great conversations we've been having with the Gender Non Conformists group (Meeting at Affirmations on the 1st and 3rd Mondays of the month from 7-9pm: Next meeting December 3rd).

One of the comments posted on his site about the comic really sum up my thoughts as well:

"this is one of your best. it really drives deep to the heart of the matter on a few different levels. i don’t know anyone, besides you, me, and a few assorted other trans people, who would actually admit to such a controversial idea - so much so, that if someone were to actually say such a thing, they would be assumed insane, or worse. it goes beyond the hateful comments i see, which accuse us of being “confused”.

for the vast majority of people, their gender is such a large part of who they feel themselves to be (for many trans people as well, though others would dispute their “feelings”) that to “forget” it, is unthinkable. this simple statement, really says so much.

i know more than a few radical feminists who might take issue with it. they might argue that they could *never* forget their gender because of the world in which we live. and i’d agree, in the context of what we have to deal with in a day-to-day context. and i suppose that makes this piece all the more transgressive. keep up the great work!"

More at www.JaySennett.com

WCBN "Closets are for clothes" radio interview

Soooo, Gabe invited me to be on Closets are for Clothes (WCBN in Ann Arbor) and talk about TDOR and The Midwest Trans Youth Conference. It was pretty fun, although I was nervous since I never did a "real" radio interview. You can listen to it on podcast if you have itunes. If you go to http://www.wcbn.org/ and scroll down to the list of "WCBN Public Affairs Program" and click Closets Are For Clothes it will take you to the list of shows. It is the one that aired November 21st 2007. I'm near the end of the show, probably about 30-35 minutes into the show. :) Although nobody likes the sound of their own voice.....It was totally fun, and I'm glad that Gabe invited me!!!!

Silly Picture Update (1.5 years on T)

Carrie is gone tonight for her second sleep study. I've been cleaning listening to Rent and taking silly pics of myself. LOL. Just another night in the life of Knoll.