Why I use cash

So, I usually just carry/use cash since I get strange looks when I try to use my credit card(s) because of my old name. This morning I was asked for my ID and scrutinized. The cashier even called over her manager. They both looked at me and my license and my credit card again and again. It was sad and embarrassing and frustrating. I haven't had the money to do a legal name change. The good news is Carrie checked and it looks like my tax return should be to me on Friday or Saturday of this week. I promised myself that I would use a chunk of that money to do a legal name change. Yes! That will feel soooo good.

In other news, we've had three exhausting days with the Affirmations move. Although...I'm sitting in my new cubicle in the new building writing this...so at least there is some progress. More move updates later.....

total randomness...

Today I visualized my first honest to god positive outcome with all this surgery drama. Maybe it's a good change that I'm letting myself be hopeful.

In other news...tomorrow is the 17th...and Carrie and I are going to go have fun with Jenn and her boys...

In other, other news--I almost have sideburns. lol

LGBTI Health and Blogs

Oh how do I love the National LGBT Tobacco Control Network....
Let me count the ways
1. Giving Chico a scholarship to attend the conference
2. Having other scholarship winners blog from the conference. It seems like a great/creative idea and a fun way to get the conference play by play for those of us who can't be there.

Injection Silicone Use (ISU)

It's been brought to my attention that recently a few people have saught medical treatment after injecting silicone at a pumping party in Detroit. The Detroit Free Press has a small article here--without much mention of the trans community. While I know that ISU is fairly common, I haven't seen or heard much about it in the past year.

Other media outlets have contacted Affirmations for a comment or input and I'll be giving an interview later this week.

A couple of people would like to organize a communtiy summitt to raise awarness and brainstorm ways to get this info out--using ways that make sense to people in our diverse communities. I'm hoping that this can lead into a larger and much needed conversation on access to appropriate trans health care.

I love her!

My little vixen......

Affirmations Building Delays

So we heard about more building delays at our staff meeting today. They are telling us 4-6 more weeks before we are even given an occupancy permit--but even that seems hopeful at this point. Many of us are concerned about programs for late April/early May. This will allow Carrie less stress during Big Bash. Also, I am thankful that the move will not coincide with the philly trans health conference. Looks like Laura and my travel budget was approved and we'll be leaving Wednesday night and returning sunday. WOOT.


If you're interested in all the building drama check out these articles. (Since the new building is a big deal for downtown Ferndale there have been some news articles)
A picture of the construction:





First this article in early Febuary.

And then this article from March 9th.

Tampons and Donations...

"You probably never thought of this, but women's shelters in the U.S. go through thousands of tampons and pads monthly. Assistance agencies generally help with expenses of everyday necessities such as toilet paper, diapers, and clothing, but one of the most BASIC needs is overlooked.

Seventh Generation, a green paper products and cleaning products company, has a do-good attitude and will donate a box of sanitary products to a women's shelter in your chosen state - just for clicking the link. Talk about easy, and, yes, it is legitimate!"

http://www.tampontification.com/donate.php

NCTE's Calendar Campaign

NCTE has a cool campaign which launched in 2007. They have a free monthly calendar featuring an aspect of human rights that is vital to full transgender equality. The calendars are available on our website every month. Since March's topic is focused on healthcare I couldn't resist!



Next week is also National LGBT Health Awareness Week (March 11-17). Check it out.

My pups

Twiggy the Italian Grey hound and Crunchy the beagle


Lola. She's about 5 months old now. Most people think she's a Shepherd/Jack Russell mix



Lola in all of her cuteness

Lola when we first got her a few months ago and Crunchy!

About 10.5 Months on T.....dorky as ever :)

I dream of pants that fit....

Trying on clothes the past couple of days has confirmed the fact that nothing seems to fit my body right *dramatic sigh* But seriously, I think I am meanat to just go naked! Since beginning T 10 months ago or so I weigh about the same but my body size and shape has changed quite a bit. My chubby belly has gotten a bit bigger, and not sure how this happens, all my pants fall off. I still feel ridiculous tucking things in at times and am picky about belts. What's a guy to do.? LOL

Until I open my mouth

Live journal is less and less appealing to me these days. I started the whole lj thing not to write-but to read my friend's journals and it looks like that's how it ended up, after all.

So I suppose I've "formally" given myself permission to write about "non-transition" related things in this journal (whatever the hell that means) and what a virgo I am, btw. I do so little of it (writing) that these days that where ever it comes out, I'll take it.

I spoke to a friend from my graduate program who is currently living outside the US. During the seemingly short two years in our program, we became very close. She moved out of the country during the same month I began taking T and has not been present to witness any of my physical changes. We recently were able to talk over the phone and she brought up some thoughts and some fears and some things that we were never able to discuss regarding my transition. Some of these things were--I'm sure--made stronger by the fact that someone very important in her life was discussing transition as well. I don't often know how to respond when people, especially women talk about their feelings of loss. I suppose this applies for my family as well.

This is probably when I should find a way to talk about myself...NOW...

but....

Lately I find it difficult to talk about gender in concrete ways, like I used to. I wonder why it was or is difficult to talk about over the computer--to try to put into words for her how some, but mostly nothing has changed about me. Maybe, I'm thinking, I too often let my body do the talking...which usually doesn't lead to much conversation these days. I suppose there is either too much noise (at the center where my body seems to be open for public comment) or silence (in other spaces where I feel like my gender identity and presentation are this strange pink elaphant in the room).

And, I know..like most of the rest of the world, I'll never be fully understood until I open my mouth.

Now I don't have to think so much about gender or talk so much about gender because i make more sense to myself now. Maybe because it is still hard. I hope that changes soon, but we all know how goddamn long I take to process anything *winking at Carrie*

And, sometimes I still feel the need to sugar coat the last 10-11 months. I often still think that I am the only one who thinks that this is hard, or awkward, or lonely, or hurtful, or confusing. And, of course the fears that those feelings invalidate who i am prevents me from ever talking about them much. I suppose all I can say is that, IF my life is better, it certainly didn't get any less complicated! Here' s hoping for a little less fear, a little less awkwardness and a lot more self-acceptance.

A seed inside

"A seed inside
these genes
I will always be
your daughter
a seed inside
this history
i will always be
your son"

From the short film, 'a seed in you inside your mother's womb'
by http://blyme.blogspot.com/

Waiting

Time is not something that I've ever really had a good perspective or understanding of. I frequently over-estimate and under-estimate how long it will take me to do something, when I will arrive somewhere or leave some place. I've also never been one who is good at waiting. Sure, I like to say that I accept the pace at which the world and my life moves and that I've made peace with this and let the universe take care of me. But the truth is I fucking hate waiting.

When I'm waiting I obsess over time. Counting out the many scenarios: So if Blue Cross Blue Shield pre-approves me on the first time and that takes 8 weeks, and then Dr. Kuzon's office gets me a date within 6 weeks this means I could have surgery ___________ (fill in the blank with a new date that seems farther and farther away each time I make the calculation) I think about the surgery scheduler writing a letter, about the doctor signing the letter, I think about UM-GCS adding additional attachments, I think about what the postal worker who picks up the mail looks like, and wonder and imagine how big of a stack of papers my claim is buried under in someones inbox.

And as much as I've resisted feeling it and admitting it, waiting has become a major part of my transition. I want control when there is none. I don't want to wait for the legal and medical world to give me the go-ahead to self actualize.

Feb. 5th I have my first appointment with my surgeon for top surgery. Oh man..i'm excited!

I've been thinking a lot about gender and race...

Reading and thinking and wanted to post what I am reading and thinking about:

"What I am far more aware of than ever before is not just how different my life is beucase of my gender, but also how different my life is beucase of the racialization of my gender(i.e. white man, not just man). In our desire to be recognized and valued in our chosen genders, we still have all the obligations, if not more, of socially conscious white masculinities."
-B. Noble

time....and movement

Green means GO.

"Go" means both:
1.to move or proceed forward
2.to leave a place; depart

proceed? depart? I suppose I'm somewhere in the middle. I think this means the same thing depending on your perspecitve. My feeling of being "stuck" also I suppose depends on perspective. I'm just ready to feel movement.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally got my letter for top surgery.

F-T-Somethingelse

Okay next week it will be 8 months and still no updates or pictures. *shakes head*

With plans for top surgery..things are at a stand still. For UM-GCS, I completed my intake and have managned to get all my lab records and medical records to them. The problem is yet again, a gatekeeping issue---the therapist letter.

The therapist who wrote me letter for hormones...agreed to also write my surgery letter. When she brought this to her associate/head therapist of the clinic where she works, she was told she would need to see me for a few more months. In addition she was also told that she would need to charge me extra--above and beyond what i would already be paying for a session, for her to write the letter!!!!!!!!! This is soooo unethical, and not even common practice. I can't even believe it.

I'm planning on addressing this..both personally and professionally (as someone who works in the area of LGBT health). And as much as I need/want to advocate for change....I so badly want my surgery. (not that I can't have both...i just..recognize my priviledge....)

My last option is a newer therapist i started seeing a month or two ago. I'll be asking her early this week. She's my last option without starting over again with a new therapist and waiting weeks...months.........

Updates

It's been a few weeks since I've updated. There are a few things I've been wanted to mention:

-It's almost my 6 month on T anniversary!!

-My mom twice in the last week has verbally acknowledged my transition. Prior to this she has taken a firm stance of denial. She commented on my voice last weekend, asking again if it was a cold. Before I could even respond she said, oh, it's just your voice dropping then. Later in the week she asked me how much it costs to "do what I'm doing". small steps...i keep telling myself. small steps.

-I have been working since August to make arrangements for my top surgery. To summarize: The Dr. at Beaumont fell through. I have strong feelings regarding Dr. Wilson, and do not want him to perform my surgery. There are sooo few options. Today I did a phone intake with UM GCS, something I thought I would never do. Now it's back to the beginning with letter getting and records transferring. 6 weeks for a consult and 6 weeks for a surgery date.

Sigh.....

-Big changes in my personal life..Carrie and I are moving to Ferndale, finally,this month. we're excited but overwhelmed with the move.

-Presenting at Creating Change next month with carrie!!!

-And I'll be at the Against Health conference tomorrow and today at UM. I'm hoping I will get to see some folks I haven't seen for a while!!!

Passing more...

Evidence I am passing more...being directed to the men's dressing room!!!

Yea!!!