Passing....

In my attempt to not get run out of bathrooms and just feel safer here in Fabulous Gaylord Michigan I decided to try double binding. I usually have so much back pain from wearing one binder that I scoffed at the thought of 2.

and...WOW...I'm as flat as I've ever seen myself.

Nobody know's i'm trans unless the conference organizers sent out a memo LOL...(since I requested a single room with my scholarship) And I'm passing..or should I say people are precieving me the way I want to be percieved....as a guy...but...*sigh* not totally how I want to be percieved beucase I would check a trans box rather than a male box..if you get my drift. And it is so weird. can i say that again...sooooo weird.

Many people from the conference went out to Big Buck's Brewery...and this is basically downtown Gaylord...if you don't kn ow anything about this resturant..think beer and deer heads and hegemonic masculinity. When i finally had to use the restroom i hesitated for a minute standing in front of the women's restoom.....our server laughed and said "sir, you're in the wrong place..the men's bathroom is over there" oh god...the joy and the dread! hahaha...now i had people watching and not much choice...I kept hearing laura saying something like.."omg you're in big buck's brewery in gaylord going into the men's room....it's tranny bashing season!!!"

Everything was fine.....but...whew..it was a little stressful.

"passing" is still strange for me....I need to write and think more aobut it...I have a lot of fears around it actually..but I think i will always a person with a complex story...who's identity isn't always visable..no matter how peeople percieve me.

random thoughts

I'm away in Gaylord Michigan at Treetops at the Michigan Smokefree Environments conference. I am supposed to get my shot tomorrow morning, but am waiting until friday afternoon when i get home. Carrie is doing my shots. I have a major phobia of needles..shots..blood ect. Sometimes it amazes me that I am so interested in health related work. Anyone who knows me might find this to be strange with my history of injury and love of tattoos ect. But those are much different things...to me. I do hope to be able to get to the place where I can self-inject if need be. It is frusterating to be dependent on others (even though i like when Carrie gives me a shot. It is our little ritual, and helps her feel part of my transition, which I also enjoy)

It's officially been three months. I am having trouble trying to describe how I feel these days. I think part of me was really wrapped up in all this exhilerating stuff of starting T and coming out to a lot more people....and now I am left with life and all these changes and dealing with family stuff in the backgroud that I have been avoiding.

A lot of body issues lately. Not so much issues...more like awareness, thoughts, ponderings, processing, particually around BDSM. Carrie and I went to our first "play party"/event last weekend. It seemed most people recognized me as her boy and not her boi which felt good. Sometimes I think I "pass" more in non-queer spaces...I find this very interesting.......I'm thinking about how i might want to play in public spaces, what to wear on the bottom...on the top? Flogging through shirts..ect.

I'll do a more detailed 3 month update on Friday night when I get home

they print 8,000

Today was one of those days where I found myself not trusting people and their possilble good intentions...their ability to ever understand or care enough to ask....ask anything...

I felt and often feel vulnerable in a workplace which is "supposed" to be a safe haven for trans folk.

Today in the newsletter at work there was a brief announcement about me starting my new position with a picture. The picture was an old picuture. The picture is not a picture of who I am today. It is so difficult to be recognized for who I am on a day to day basis...and this is not the image I want everyone I am going to have to work with to have of me in their mind before they meet me......

The thing that is most frusterating about this incident is that the photo was going to be used back in April of this year at a fundraising event and Carrie happened to be in that meeting. She was able to explain to others whythis photo would not be a good choice to use whithout permission. duh!

A co-worker tried to keep reminding me to assume good intentions, but when mistakes are repeated I feel so angry and resentful.

Fears

This whole weekend has been amazing, in that I feel so relaxed. I also feel reconnected to my body. I'm really not sure why? I think it may have a little to do with the fact that I am alone (with carrie of course, who validates my identity) but mainly alone with myself to see myself and feel myself. With little outside "looks" or daily invalidations. It does a lot for this boy's confidence, self-esteem, and anxiety level *sigh*

On the drive up to Luddington Thursday night, Carrie and I got to talking. We talk abut my plans for top surgery this winter often, as I will be able to use my insurance for this purpose after October 10th. And...and our drive I was finally able to articulate a lot of my fears about the surgery which I so badly want and need in many ways. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt/shame for even feeling so "afrid". I'm afraid these fears are somehow attached to my identity.

I'm afraid of feeling loss
I am afraid of feeling alone
I am afraid of really feeling like I am 'neither' even though i already feel that way. Maybe it is the fear of not having some sort of default...even though I fucking hate it. my body not having any sort of safe space.

i think mostly...the saddest thing...is that I have a deep deep fear of actaully liking, loving my body. I have so much invested in this "not right" feeling. What will it mean to love more of me? What does it mean that I don't already.

I just want to yell at myself and say stop it with the god damn internalized transphobia already. but, alas...I am trying to be gentle with myself. Feel my feelings.

And on a random note: This is me as a kiddo. Yeah, I even had a big mouth back then!

Two Month Updates

The 19th was my 2 months on T day. Today was another lazy day full of cleaning, naps, and obsessive comupter checking. I took some pics today after i woke up from a nap. Thought these might be fun and random. I get tired of the same old transition pics. .....





















Things I've noticed:

My leg hair is finally growing and pretty fast. yay..I finally have leg hair.

Arm pit hair is getting longer and growing a bit more on the sides.

I was getting a lot of facial hair on the side of my lip. I decided to shave for a while until i have more facial hair. Having two or three big patches just looked silly on me.

I notice that my face looks different...it's still hard to describe, fat redistribution.

I think the most interesting thing that is going on right now is my voice. It is all over the place!!! up and down and cracking in just about every conversation I have. I think I am still trying to speak at a range? higher than I can, as my vocal chords change. It's amazing to hear and listen to myself...I swear I sound different everyday.

I continue to be crabby, emotional, and lethargic on Wednesdays...the day before shot day. I imagine this would be a whole lot worse if I was injecting ever 2 weeks instead of once a week. I don't really like doing it every week, but, for me, right now, I know it's better.

I think that's it for now....back to playing with the animals and watching RENT with Trista...

Random meme thingy....

Hello My name is

Knoll

I am

activist, artsy, BDSM, bbw admirer, bear lover, bottom, boy, chubby, chubby chaser, complex, creative, cuddly, drama queen, effeminate, FTM, FTX, fat, femme-fucking, femmeboy, fetishist, freak, geek, gender bender, gender variant, genderfuck, genderqueer, glittery, indecisive, kinky, LGBTQ, mama's boy, misunderstood, nerd, none of the above, odd, omnisexual, pansexual, polyamorous, polysexual, puppy, queer, quirky, right-brained, sex positive, starfucker, submissive, survivor, sweet, tranny, trannyboy, trannyfag, trans, transfeminist, transgender, transman, transtheorist, understanding, unique

Who are you?

Bleeding...or not

I'm getting close to being on T for two months. I have been feeling strange....I can't really explain the feelings. My emotions are up and down...my body is too hot or too cold...i'm really tired or bouncing off the walls. I feel more all over the place now than I did when I first started.

I wonder if this time it has to do with the fact that I got my shot yesterday and was supposed to start my period yesterday. I've only bleed one since starting T. I've had some cramping though. I think I am done bleeding. I hope so. I was dreading it...and it feels like I am finally feeling at home in my body. I feel happy to celebrate something that I feel like was not right for my body--ending.

I used to try to not associate bleeding with a gender...like pretend to myself that this happened to my body, but not becuase I was a particular gender..or..had a certain type of body. It was just something that happened to me and only me. I feel like I lived a lot of my life that that....as knoll and as knoll as the execption to the rule.

I think some of these issues play into some of my anxieties about actaully passing....

more to come on that and a 2 moth update soon.

Much love..

Knoll

A Poem....

"I didn't start at F, I'm not ending at M.
It may be a continuum but definitions take over if you give in to em'.
Androgyny oughta be both/and not neither/nor, the vacuum natures abhors
& culture won't accomodate, & govternment forms won't allow you to approximate.
I check the box F & I feel like a liar, check M for Male and I feel like a fraud,
in a world that pretends such things are commanded by God.
Maybe someday they'll firgure out that the boxes are too small.
In the meantime the only choice is, checking them all. "

From Not Starting at F, Not Ending At M
by Skian McGuire

voice changes

I guess my voice changes are becoming more evident.

Tonight at work a youth at work after hearing my voice commented.."whoa, your voice sounds different...sounds like you dropped a nut or something"

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Month 1 Update

I've been taking T for 6 weeks, but am just going to make this my month 1 update. I hope to update this monthy for those overseas during my transition (Monique) and anyone who just can't get enough of my "look!!! I grew another hair" stories. I decided to start a seperate journal away from LiveJournal.

Currently I'm taking 100 mg once a week.
Things I'm noticing
-My voice is dropping a bit
-I'm hungry and horny like "Whoa"
-My dick is growing
-I'm growing a tiny bit of facial hair
-My jawline looks a bit different...fat in my face redistributing
-Mentally I feel really scattered
-Things are more visually appealing...

I'm not too sure if these last two have anything to do with the T...but it feels like they are.


Here are a few one month pictures...

First entry....

Welcome to my transition journal.

I began Testosterone 4-19-06 and will be chronicling my journey here.

Happy reading :)