I forgot my gender!

Another fabulous comic by Jay Sennett. I particularly like this one in the context of all the great conversations we've been having with the Gender Non Conformists group (Meeting at Affirmations on the 1st and 3rd Mondays of the month from 7-9pm: Next meeting December 3rd).

One of the comments posted on his site about the comic really sum up my thoughts as well:

"this is one of your best. it really drives deep to the heart of the matter on a few different levels. i don’t know anyone, besides you, me, and a few assorted other trans people, who would actually admit to such a controversial idea - so much so, that if someone were to actually say such a thing, they would be assumed insane, or worse. it goes beyond the hateful comments i see, which accuse us of being “confused”.

for the vast majority of people, their gender is such a large part of who they feel themselves to be (for many trans people as well, though others would dispute their “feelings”) that to “forget” it, is unthinkable. this simple statement, really says so much.

i know more than a few radical feminists who might take issue with it. they might argue that they could *never* forget their gender because of the world in which we live. and i’d agree, in the context of what we have to deal with in a day-to-day context. and i suppose that makes this piece all the more transgressive. keep up the great work!"

More at www.JaySennett.com

WCBN "Closets are for clothes" radio interview

Soooo, Gabe invited me to be on Closets are for Clothes (WCBN in Ann Arbor) and talk about TDOR and The Midwest Trans Youth Conference. It was pretty fun, although I was nervous since I never did a "real" radio interview. You can listen to it on podcast if you have itunes. If you go to http://www.wcbn.org/ and scroll down to the list of "WCBN Public Affairs Program" and click Closets Are For Clothes it will take you to the list of shows. It is the one that aired November 21st 2007. I'm near the end of the show, probably about 30-35 minutes into the show. :) Although nobody likes the sound of their own voice.....It was totally fun, and I'm glad that Gabe invited me!!!!

Silly Picture Update (1.5 years on T)

Carrie is gone tonight for her second sleep study. I've been cleaning listening to Rent and taking silly pics of myself. LOL. Just another night in the life of Knoll.

Weekend Round up

Carrie and I have been working far too many 12 hours shifts so sleeping in on Saturday was very very nice.



Had a therapy appointment. I've been back in therapy again. Actually I've been going for a while now, but it's not stuff I talk about much on here. I suppose it helps to have a kink aware therapist. I also like that he's been part of queer history in the detroit area and manages his practice and activist work quite well. I can only really afford to see him twice a month, although I'm going about 3 times a month. It mostly just life transition stuff, partner of a person with a disability stuff, and the work/employee grievance which has put a huge strain on me emotionally.



Went to dinner with Gene, Jenn, and David. We waited a very very long time for very very good Italian food. :)



I ended up doing bar outreach later Saturday night at R & R Saloon in Detroit. It was very interesting. All of the employees were very very nice and I was happy to leave tons of safer sex supplies. It was a bit odd since I had heard things about a part of the bar called "The Pit" that wasn't open to trans people or women. That part was a little iffy...knowing the history behind all of it.

Sunday was also relaxing....i got some hot chocolate and went for a walk at a park/garden. I need more time for myself like that. *sigh*

Links and Coverage

I also wanted to post some news stories and links related to Ian's story/life. Many of these news articles are less than ideal with the portrayl of his identity/life/story.

This is an article in the Holland Sentinal Paper

This is an article and some news clips from a local Grand Rapids (MI)

Here is a link to the Trans Youth Family Advocates website. Here there is more info on the Project Ian National Campaign.

A celebration of Ian's Life

I attended the vigil yesterday in celebration of Ian's life. I wanted to post some of what I ended up reading. I was honored that some folks asked me to participate. It was beautiful to see so many community members, family, students, Friends there for Ian, his family and themselves.

I wanted to share part of what I read at the vigil:

My grandmother used to tell me a story about the stars. She told me that they are not stars but openings in the sky where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.

Just as the stars may represent an opening for Ian to shine down on us….

I ask that we be openings here on earth be openings, a crack of light…a crack through which love, truth, compassion, joy, and peace can flow, spread and flourish.

How can be a crack of light in so much darkness? We begin by celebrating difference. We stop hiding difference where we don’t have to have to look at it or think about it. We stop “tolerating” or “accepting” difference, as if we’re so much better for not being different. Instead we celebrate difference. Exactly how we celebrate difference is for each of us to discover.

Ian and many of us in the trans community have gifts to offer like our deep sense of personal integrity and our ability to be honest about who we are. We help the communities of which we are a part of by emphasizing love, self-respect, and human dignity as core values. When we are free to be our true and authentic selves, we can’t help but remind others to be the best possible people they can be.

As we draw our celebration to a close tonight I ask that you think about all the words that were spoken here tonight. Now..I ask that you think of all the words living in your hearts and minds. All the words you have not yet spoken…. When you leave here begin to light up the world with your words of knowledge and compassion in Ian’s honor.

Speak for your family, your friends, your allies,

Speak for Ian

Speak for yourself.

Take time each day to celebrate Transgender people as gifts
And Remember: We are all gifts

Take time each day to celebrate Transgender people as beautiful
And Remember: We are all beautiful.

State News LGBT & Tobacco Article

So there was a really poorly written article on the front page of the State News today on our 2 year community tobacco survey. Unfortunately the article was framed in this "LGBT people use tobacco and is that a stereotype? or true" Sheeze. Of course the article didn't present any research from journal articles or even include anything about targeted marketing by the tobacco industry. I sometimes forget that folks in some oppressed communities are fearful of discussing any community "issues" or "Problems" or anything that might be perceived in a negative way. I also have seen this in some of the DV/SA work I have been a part of.

BTL Breast Cancer Article

Here is a link to an article on Breast Cancer in Between the Lines. They asked me for some info. It's not horrible, of course, except for the "transgendered" part. *sigh*

Transgendered men who have undergone a mastectomy still have breast tissue, warned Knoll Larkin, health and human services coordinator for Affirmations in Ferndale. "They will still need to do breast self exams."

After three months, transgender women who take estrogen should start doing breast self-exams, he said.

People who visit the Affirmations community center can pick up leaflets and brochures with tips about living well.

"There are certain health risks lesbian and bi women have that may put them at increased risk for breast cancer," he said. "They are less likely to bear children or will often have children later in life. This puts you at higher risk. Using alcohol or smoking can put you at a higher risk. Being overweight can also be a factor."

Employee Grievance

So, I am formally filling a grievance at work to advocate for my own (trans) health benefits. This is the first time that anyone at my employee has ever filled a formal grievance with the Board of Directors.

I am really struggling with who to appoint as my representative. I have a few people in mind. Unfortunately folks have told me that some of the people that I want to represent me might be too biased (other co-workers, my partner.....). It's going to be difficult to make a decision by this Friday.

The process goes like this:
-I send letter and info on my case to board president
-Board president appoints chair of committee reviewing case.
-Another person from the executive committee is appointed to case.
-I select my representative
-Committee meets and gets input from me and others on case
-Committee has 30 days to make a ruling or recommendation and share with board president or CEO.

I'm seeking out other who may have gone through a similar process for input, advice, or feedback.

August 2007

Boat Rides......................................

Carrie was cold and pouty...............

warm and sunny days...............................


By the Big Red Lighthouse in Holland Michigan.......................

Crunchy and Carrie and I at the beach in Luddington Michigan.....

Carrie's Pink and Fancy Birthday Cake :)

Aids Walk

I've decided to walk this year in AIDS Walk Detroit with Affirmations Team 203. I'm asking friends, family, and colleagues to sponsor me by making a donation. Every little bit helps and it's quick and easy to do online. Every dollar we raise for Team Affirmations comes right back to the center to support the work we do around HIV/AIDS.

Steppin' Out's AIDS Walk (Detroit) goal is to help agencies like Affirmations help people living with HIV and AIDS by assisting the agencies where state, federal or other funding does not. Without your help, Affirmations' HIV/AIDS programs may cease to exist! Thanks...and remember HIV/AIDS is EVERYBODY's business.

Please visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support AIDS Walk Detroit. Thanks for your support.

Thanks

News

I heard back from the folks at UM CGS. It's been about 5 months and after calling Blue Cross myself a few times and getting frustrated, I thought I would check back in. It took them a while to get back to me....but the message was slightly encouraging...First, their director is following up directly with BCBS....and they mentioned that another person who has the same insurance and submitted the prior approval at the same time as me just heard back and they approved them. I am seriously over analyzing this news. Does this mean mine has been denied? Does this mean my case has a better chance of being covered???? I'm worried and obsessing...again. I keep thinking as soon as I hear...if the answer is yes...and they approve it....I could have surgery around my birthday. Lucky 28.

Call For Zine Submissions..Again.

Sometimes I do silly things, like post everywhere else but here with the call for submissions. duh. Anyone interested, let me know. :-) (Feel free to pass along to anyone else who might be interested)

Call for submissions:
We’ve had lots of requests to put out another issue of our zine (folks can only whack off to the same thing for so long..LOL). So we’re back at it again, and would love it if you wanted to submit anything dirty, kinky, theoretical—or all the above to the project.

The format and content is very much the same. (Still made by and for sexually-charged/sex positive, anti-assimilationist transgender and genderqueer people and those who love them.) Still featuring articles, essays, photography, poetry, and erotica, etc. We're open to most mediums--the dirtier the better.

We’re going for a more accurate name (genderfuct: erotic and scandalous tales of gender non-conformity) for a bit wider appeal. We had so much fun putting together the first collection and know it’s going to be a good time again. Hope you’ll consider being a part of it *wink* Feel free to check out the first edition/project to get an idea of what this one will look like http://www.trannyzine.com/

Close to 1,000 words or less
Deadline June 16th-18th 2007
Submit to Knoll.Larkin@gmail.com
Thanks,
Knoll

Nice, huh?

May...

A couple new developments in the life of Knolly

-Carrie and I are back at it again--working on another issue of the zine. It looks like we'll be making no major style/content changes---but changing something that feels just as major--the name. I think we're both wondering if we're compromising too much...and at the same time we know it may increase readership.... Regardless, I've got a lot of writing to do in the next 3 weeks, if we're going to meet our deadline of getting issue No. 2 out in time for the Allied Media Conference. I'm looking forward to participating in the sessions and having a table as well. Also, Affirmations Trans Youth Group's session on trans youth in indie media got selected--so they'll be presenting as well. Woot!

-Carrie was selected to serve as co-chair for the creating change host committee for Creating Change 08 (Detroit) This is a pretty big undertaking. Lots of meetings..lots of planning. :) I've decided to join the programming subcommittee--focused on recruiting and brining together presentors to submit proposals showcasing unique projects, collaborations, activites happening locally.

-Jay is coming to visit sometime in June. He's coming in for a surgery consult, and to hang out with us, of course!

-This summer I have an intern working with me. She's amazingly thoughtful and productive. It's going to be a good summer people!

-This weekend we're considering going to an art workshop on printmaking...sounds fun and I was thinking it might help with some zine promo....

-Yesterday I met with Jillian who is working on this online zine project. She's featuring a little story about theLGBT communities of size meet up I'm putting together. All right...I'm off to get ready. trying to get into work a bit early....

glitter---fairy---princess

Photo Update

cool blog site

This is a cool site I'm adding to my blog links page. From the independent publication "Critial Moment" a collection of radical blogs from the southeastern Michigan area.

Critical Bloggers

I survived organizing my first health fair!

Much of my time the past month has been dedicated to organizing our annual LGBT health fair. Thankfully the even was a success. Although this is the only picture of me taken that day. I thnk the look on my face says it all..."when will this all be over??" LOL

Big Bash 2007

Affirmations Big Bash was a huge success thanks to my amazing Carrie (and the hard work of the committee, board and staff!)

Why I use cash

So, I usually just carry/use cash since I get strange looks when I try to use my credit card(s) because of my old name. This morning I was asked for my ID and scrutinized. The cashier even called over her manager. They both looked at me and my license and my credit card again and again. It was sad and embarrassing and frustrating. I haven't had the money to do a legal name change. The good news is Carrie checked and it looks like my tax return should be to me on Friday or Saturday of this week. I promised myself that I would use a chunk of that money to do a legal name change. Yes! That will feel soooo good.

In other news, we've had three exhausting days with the Affirmations move. Although...I'm sitting in my new cubicle in the new building writing this...so at least there is some progress. More move updates later.....

total randomness...

Today I visualized my first honest to god positive outcome with all this surgery drama. Maybe it's a good change that I'm letting myself be hopeful.

In other news...tomorrow is the 17th...and Carrie and I are going to go have fun with Jenn and her boys...

In other, other news--I almost have sideburns. lol

LGBTI Health and Blogs

Oh how do I love the National LGBT Tobacco Control Network....
Let me count the ways
1. Giving Chico a scholarship to attend the conference
2. Having other scholarship winners blog from the conference. It seems like a great/creative idea and a fun way to get the conference play by play for those of us who can't be there.

Injection Silicone Use (ISU)

It's been brought to my attention that recently a few people have saught medical treatment after injecting silicone at a pumping party in Detroit. The Detroit Free Press has a small article here--without much mention of the trans community. While I know that ISU is fairly common, I haven't seen or heard much about it in the past year.

Other media outlets have contacted Affirmations for a comment or input and I'll be giving an interview later this week.

A couple of people would like to organize a communtiy summitt to raise awarness and brainstorm ways to get this info out--using ways that make sense to people in our diverse communities. I'm hoping that this can lead into a larger and much needed conversation on access to appropriate trans health care.

I love her!

My little vixen......

Affirmations Building Delays

So we heard about more building delays at our staff meeting today. They are telling us 4-6 more weeks before we are even given an occupancy permit--but even that seems hopeful at this point. Many of us are concerned about programs for late April/early May. This will allow Carrie less stress during Big Bash. Also, I am thankful that the move will not coincide with the philly trans health conference. Looks like Laura and my travel budget was approved and we'll be leaving Wednesday night and returning sunday. WOOT.


If you're interested in all the building drama check out these articles. (Since the new building is a big deal for downtown Ferndale there have been some news articles)
A picture of the construction:





First this article in early Febuary.

And then this article from March 9th.

Tampons and Donations...

"You probably never thought of this, but women's shelters in the U.S. go through thousands of tampons and pads monthly. Assistance agencies generally help with expenses of everyday necessities such as toilet paper, diapers, and clothing, but one of the most BASIC needs is overlooked.

Seventh Generation, a green paper products and cleaning products company, has a do-good attitude and will donate a box of sanitary products to a women's shelter in your chosen state - just for clicking the link. Talk about easy, and, yes, it is legitimate!"

http://www.tampontification.com/donate.php

NCTE's Calendar Campaign

NCTE has a cool campaign which launched in 2007. They have a free monthly calendar featuring an aspect of human rights that is vital to full transgender equality. The calendars are available on our website every month. Since March's topic is focused on healthcare I couldn't resist!



Next week is also National LGBT Health Awareness Week (March 11-17). Check it out.

My pups

Twiggy the Italian Grey hound and Crunchy the beagle


Lola. She's about 5 months old now. Most people think she's a Shepherd/Jack Russell mix



Lola in all of her cuteness

Lola when we first got her a few months ago and Crunchy!

About 10.5 Months on T.....dorky as ever :)

I dream of pants that fit....

Trying on clothes the past couple of days has confirmed the fact that nothing seems to fit my body right *dramatic sigh* But seriously, I think I am meanat to just go naked! Since beginning T 10 months ago or so I weigh about the same but my body size and shape has changed quite a bit. My chubby belly has gotten a bit bigger, and not sure how this happens, all my pants fall off. I still feel ridiculous tucking things in at times and am picky about belts. What's a guy to do.? LOL

Until I open my mouth

Live journal is less and less appealing to me these days. I started the whole lj thing not to write-but to read my friend's journals and it looks like that's how it ended up, after all.

So I suppose I've "formally" given myself permission to write about "non-transition" related things in this journal (whatever the hell that means) and what a virgo I am, btw. I do so little of it (writing) that these days that where ever it comes out, I'll take it.

I spoke to a friend from my graduate program who is currently living outside the US. During the seemingly short two years in our program, we became very close. She moved out of the country during the same month I began taking T and has not been present to witness any of my physical changes. We recently were able to talk over the phone and she brought up some thoughts and some fears and some things that we were never able to discuss regarding my transition. Some of these things were--I'm sure--made stronger by the fact that someone very important in her life was discussing transition as well. I don't often know how to respond when people, especially women talk about their feelings of loss. I suppose this applies for my family as well.

This is probably when I should find a way to talk about myself...NOW...

but....

Lately I find it difficult to talk about gender in concrete ways, like I used to. I wonder why it was or is difficult to talk about over the computer--to try to put into words for her how some, but mostly nothing has changed about me. Maybe, I'm thinking, I too often let my body do the talking...which usually doesn't lead to much conversation these days. I suppose there is either too much noise (at the center where my body seems to be open for public comment) or silence (in other spaces where I feel like my gender identity and presentation are this strange pink elaphant in the room).

And, I know..like most of the rest of the world, I'll never be fully understood until I open my mouth.

Now I don't have to think so much about gender or talk so much about gender because i make more sense to myself now. Maybe because it is still hard. I hope that changes soon, but we all know how goddamn long I take to process anything *winking at Carrie*

And, sometimes I still feel the need to sugar coat the last 10-11 months. I often still think that I am the only one who thinks that this is hard, or awkward, or lonely, or hurtful, or confusing. And, of course the fears that those feelings invalidate who i am prevents me from ever talking about them much. I suppose all I can say is that, IF my life is better, it certainly didn't get any less complicated! Here' s hoping for a little less fear, a little less awkwardness and a lot more self-acceptance.

A seed inside

"A seed inside
these genes
I will always be
your daughter
a seed inside
this history
i will always be
your son"

From the short film, 'a seed in you inside your mother's womb'
by http://blyme.blogspot.com/

Waiting

Time is not something that I've ever really had a good perspective or understanding of. I frequently over-estimate and under-estimate how long it will take me to do something, when I will arrive somewhere or leave some place. I've also never been one who is good at waiting. Sure, I like to say that I accept the pace at which the world and my life moves and that I've made peace with this and let the universe take care of me. But the truth is I fucking hate waiting.

When I'm waiting I obsess over time. Counting out the many scenarios: So if Blue Cross Blue Shield pre-approves me on the first time and that takes 8 weeks, and then Dr. Kuzon's office gets me a date within 6 weeks this means I could have surgery ___________ (fill in the blank with a new date that seems farther and farther away each time I make the calculation) I think about the surgery scheduler writing a letter, about the doctor signing the letter, I think about UM-GCS adding additional attachments, I think about what the postal worker who picks up the mail looks like, and wonder and imagine how big of a stack of papers my claim is buried under in someones inbox.

And as much as I've resisted feeling it and admitting it, waiting has become a major part of my transition. I want control when there is none. I don't want to wait for the legal and medical world to give me the go-ahead to self actualize.

Feb. 5th I have my first appointment with my surgeon for top surgery. Oh man..i'm excited!

I've been thinking a lot about gender and race...

Reading and thinking and wanted to post what I am reading and thinking about:

"What I am far more aware of than ever before is not just how different my life is beucase of my gender, but also how different my life is beucase of the racialization of my gender(i.e. white man, not just man). In our desire to be recognized and valued in our chosen genders, we still have all the obligations, if not more, of socially conscious white masculinities."
-B. Noble

time....and movement

Green means GO.

"Go" means both:
1.to move or proceed forward
2.to leave a place; depart

proceed? depart? I suppose I'm somewhere in the middle. I think this means the same thing depending on your perspecitve. My feeling of being "stuck" also I suppose depends on perspective. I'm just ready to feel movement.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally got my letter for top surgery.

F-T-Somethingelse

Okay next week it will be 8 months and still no updates or pictures. *shakes head*

With plans for top surgery..things are at a stand still. For UM-GCS, I completed my intake and have managned to get all my lab records and medical records to them. The problem is yet again, a gatekeeping issue---the therapist letter.

The therapist who wrote me letter for hormones...agreed to also write my surgery letter. When she brought this to her associate/head therapist of the clinic where she works, she was told she would need to see me for a few more months. In addition she was also told that she would need to charge me extra--above and beyond what i would already be paying for a session, for her to write the letter!!!!!!!!! This is soooo unethical, and not even common practice. I can't even believe it.

I'm planning on addressing this..both personally and professionally (as someone who works in the area of LGBT health). And as much as I need/want to advocate for change....I so badly want my surgery. (not that I can't have both...i just..recognize my priviledge....)

My last option is a newer therapist i started seeing a month or two ago. I'll be asking her early this week. She's my last option without starting over again with a new therapist and waiting weeks...months.........