Boat Rides......................................
Carrie was cold and pouty...............
warm and sunny days...............................
Crunchy and Carrie and I at the beach in Luddington Michigan.....
I've decided to walk this year in AIDS Walk Detroit with Affirmations Team 203. I'm asking friends, family, and colleagues to sponsor me by making a donation. Every little bit helps and it's quick and easy to do online. Every dollar we raise for Team Affirmations comes right back to the center to support the work we do around HIV/AIDS.
Steppin' Out's AIDS Walk (Detroit) goal is to help agencies like Affirmations help people living with HIV and AIDS by assisting the agencies where state, federal or other funding does not. Without your help, Affirmations' HIV/AIDS programs may cease to exist! Thanks...and remember HIV/AIDS is EVERYBODY's business.
Please visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support AIDS Walk Detroit. Thanks for your support.
Thanks
I heard back from the folks at UM CGS. It's been about 5 months and after calling Blue Cross myself a few times and getting frustrated, I thought I would check back in. It took them a while to get back to me....but the message was slightly encouraging...First, their director is following up directly with BCBS....and they mentioned that another person who has the same insurance and submitted the prior approval at the same time as me just heard back and they approved them. I am seriously over analyzing this news. Does this mean mine has been denied? Does this mean my case has a better chance of being covered???? I'm worried and obsessing...again. I keep thinking as soon as I hear...if the answer is yes...and they approve it....I could have surgery around my birthday. Lucky 28.
ove them.) Still featuring articles, essays, photography, poetry, and erotica, etc. We're open to most mediums--the dirtier the better.A couple new developments in the life of Knolly
-Carrie and I are back at it again--working on another issue of the zine. It looks like we'll be making no major style/content changes---but changing something that feels just as major--the name. I think we're both wondering if we're compromising too much...and at the same time we know it may increase readership.... Regardless, I've got a lot of writing to do in the next 3 weeks, if we're going to meet our deadline of getting issue No. 2 out in time for the Allied Media Conference. I'm looking forward to participating in the sessions and having a table as well. Also, Affirmations Trans Youth Group's session on trans youth in indie media got selected--so they'll be presenting as well. Woot!
-Carrie was selected to serve as co-chair for the creating change host committee for Creating Change 08 (Detroit) This is a pretty big undertaking. Lots of meetings..lots of planning. :) I've decided to join the programming subcommittee--focused on recruiting and brining together presentors to submit proposals showcasing unique projects, collaborations, activites happening locally.
-Jay is coming to visit sometime in June. He's coming in for a surgery consult, and to hang out with us, of course!
-This summer I have an intern working with me. She's amazingly thoughtful and productive. It's going to be a good summer people!
-This weekend we're considering going to an art workshop on printmaking...sounds fun and I was thinking it might help with some zine promo....
-Yesterday I met with Jillian who is working on this online zine project. She's featuring a little story about theLGBT communities of size meet up I'm putting together. All right...I'm off to get ready. trying to get into work a bit early....
This is a cool site I'm adding to my blog links page. From the independent publication "Critial Moment" a collection of radical blogs from the southeastern Michigan area.
Critical Bloggers
Affirmations Big Bash was a huge success thanks to my amazing Carrie (and the hard work of the committee, board and staff!)
So, I usually just carry/use cash since I get strange looks when I try to use my credit card(s) because of my old name. This morning I was asked for my ID and scrutinized. The cashier even called over her manager. They both looked at me and my license and my credit card again and again. It was sad and embarrassing and frustrating. I haven't had the money to do a legal name change. The good news is Carrie checked and it looks like my tax return should be to me on Friday or Saturday of this week. I promised myself that I would use a chunk of that money to do a legal name change. Yes! That will feel soooo good.
In other news, we've had three exhausting days with the Affirmations move. Although...I'm sitting in my new cubicle in the new building writing this...so at least there is some progress. More move updates later.....
Today I visualized my first honest to god positive outcome with all this surgery drama. Maybe it's a good change that I'm letting myself be hopeful.
In other news...tomorrow is the 17th...and Carrie and I are going to go have fun with Jenn and her boys...
In other, other news--I almost have sideburns. lol
Oh how do I love the National LGBT Tobacco Control Network....
Let me count the ways
1. Giving Chico a scholarship to attend the conference
2. Having other scholarship winners blog from the conference. It seems like a great/creative idea and a fun way to get the conference play by play for those of us who can't be there.
It's been brought to my attention that recently a few people have saught medical treatment after injecting silicone at a pumping party in Detroit. The Detroit Free Press has a small article here--without much mention of the trans community. While I know that ISU is fairly common, I haven't seen or heard much about it in the past year.
Other media outlets have contacted Affirmations for a comment or input and I'll be giving an interview later this week.
A couple of people would like to organize a communtiy summitt to raise awarness and brainstorm ways to get this info out--using ways that make sense to people in our diverse communities. I'm hoping that this can lead into a larger and much needed conversation on access to appropriate trans health care.
So we heard about more building delays at our staff meeting today. They are telling us 4-6 more weeks before we are even given an occupancy permit--but even that seems hopeful at this point. Many of us are concerned about programs for late April/early May. This will allow Carrie less stress during Big Bash. Also, I am thankful that the move will not coincide with the philly trans health conference. Looks like Laura and my travel budget was approved and we'll be leaving Wednesday night and returning sunday. WOOT.
If you're interested in all the building drama check out these articles. (Since the new building is a big deal for downtown Ferndale there have been some news articles)
A picture of the construction:
First this article in early Febuary.
And then this article from March 9th.
"You probably never thought of this, but women's shelters in the U.S. go through thousands of tampons and pads monthly. Assistance agencies generally help with expenses of everyday necessities such as toilet paper, diapers, and clothing, but one of the most BASIC needs is overlooked.
Seventh Generation, a green paper products and cleaning products company, has a do-good attitude and will donate a box of sanitary products to a women's shelter in your chosen state - just for clicking the link. Talk about easy, and, yes, it is legitimate!"
http://www.tampontification.com/donate.php
NCTE has a cool campaign which launched in 2007. They have a free monthly calendar featuring an aspect of human rights that is vital to full transgender equality. The calendars are available on our website every month. Since March's topic is focused on healthcare I couldn't resist!
Next week is also National LGBT Health Awareness Week (March 11-17). Check it out.
Twiggy the Italian Grey hound and Crunchy the beagle
Lola. She's about 5 months old now. Most people think she's a Shepherd/Jack Russell mix
Lola in all of her cuteness
Live journal is less and less appealing to me these days. I started the whole lj thing not to write-but to read my friend's journals and it looks like that's how it ended up, after all.
So I suppose I've "formally" given myself permission to write about "non-transition" related things in this journal (whatever the hell that means) and what a virgo I am, btw. I do so little of it (writing) that these days that where ever it comes out, I'll take it.
I spoke to a friend from my graduate program who is currently living outside the US. During the seemingly short two years in our program, we became very close. She moved out of the country during the same month I began taking T and has not been present to witness any of my physical changes. We recently were able to talk over the phone and she brought up some thoughts and some fears and some things that we were never able to discuss regarding my transition. Some of these things were--I'm sure--made stronger by the fact that someone very important in her life was discussing transition as well. I don't often know how to respond when people, especially women talk about their feelings of loss. I suppose this applies for my family as well.
This is probably when I should find a way to talk about myself...NOW...
but....
Lately I find it difficult to talk about gender in concrete ways, like I used to. I wonder why it was or is difficult to talk about over the computer--to try to put into words for her how some, but mostly nothing has changed about me. Maybe, I'm thinking, I too often let my body do the talking...which usually doesn't lead to much conversation these days. I suppose there is either too much noise (at the center where my body seems to be open for public comment) or silence (in other spaces where I feel like my gender identity and presentation are this strange pink elaphant in the room).
And, I know..like most of the rest of the world, I'll never be fully understood until I open my mouth.
Now I don't have to think so much about gender or talk so much about gender because i make more sense to myself now. Maybe because it is still hard. I hope that changes soon, but we all know how goddamn long I take to process anything *winking at Carrie*
And, sometimes I still feel the need to sugar coat the last 10-11 months. I often still think that I am the only one who thinks that this is hard, or awkward, or lonely, or hurtful, or confusing. And, of course the fears that those feelings invalidate who i am prevents me from ever talking about them much. I suppose all I can say is that, IF my life is better, it certainly didn't get any less complicated! Here' s hoping for a little less fear, a little less awkwardness and a lot more self-acceptance.
"A seed inside
these genes
I will always be
your daughter
a seed inside
this history
i will always be
your son"
From the short film, 'a seed in you inside your mother's womb'
by http://blyme.blogspot.com/
Reading and thinking and wanted to post what I am reading and thinking about:
"What I am far more aware of than ever before is not just how different my life is beucase of my gender, but also how different my life is beucase of the racialization of my gender(i.e. white man, not just man). In our desire to be recognized and valued in our chosen genders, we still have all the obligations, if not more, of socially conscious white masculinities."
-B. Noble
Green means GO. 
"Go" means both:
1.to move or proceed forward
2.to leave a place; depart
proceed? depart? I suppose I'm somewhere in the middle. I think this means the same thing depending on your perspecitve. My feeling of being "stuck" also I suppose depends on perspective. I'm just ready to feel movement.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally got my letter for top surgery.
Okay next week it will be 8 months and still no updates or pictures. *shakes head*
With plans for top surgery..things are at a stand still. For UM-GCS, I completed my intake and have managned to get all my lab records and medical records to them. The problem is yet again, a gatekeeping issue---the therapist letter.
The therapist who wrote me letter for hormones...agreed to also write my surgery letter. When she brought this to her associate/head therapist of the clinic where she works, she was told she would need to see me for a few more months. In addition she was also told that she would need to charge me extra--above and beyond what i would already be paying for a session, for her to write the letter!!!!!!!!! This is soooo unethical, and not even common practice. I can't even believe it.
I'm planning on addressing this..both personally and professionally (as someone who works in the area of LGBT health). And as much as I need/want to advocate for change....I so badly want my surgery. (not that I can't have both...i just..recognize my priviledge....)
My last option is a newer therapist i started seeing a month or two ago. I'll be asking her early this week. She's my last option without starting over again with a new therapist and waiting weeks...months.........
It's been a few weeks since I've updated. There are a few things I've been wanted to mention:
-It's almost my 6 month on T anniversary!!
-My mom twice in the last week has verbally acknowledged my transition. Prior to this she has taken a firm stance of denial. She commented on my voice last weekend, asking again if it was a cold. Before I could even respond she said, oh, it's just your voice dropping then. Later in the week she asked me how much it costs to "do what I'm doing". small steps...i keep telling myself. small steps.
-I have been working since August to make arrangements for my top surgery. To summarize: The Dr. at Beaumont fell through. I have strong feelings regarding Dr. Wilson, and do not want him to perform my surgery. There are sooo few options. Today I did a phone intake with UM GCS, something I thought I would never do. Now it's back to the beginning with letter getting and records transferring. 6 weeks for a consult and 6 weeks for a surgery date.
Sigh.....
-Big changes in my personal life..Carrie and I are moving to Ferndale, finally,this month. we're excited but overwhelmed with the move.
-Presenting at Creating Change next month with carrie!!!
-And I'll be at the Against Health conference tomorrow and today at UM. I'm hoping I will get to see some folks I haven't seen for a while!!!
Sooo...what's happening. Arm hair is what's happening...I've noticed lots of dark hairs wrapping around my arms, even a little on my forarms, where there was none. I also have a lot more hair on my upper legs, a little on my stomach and chest.
My hips have gotten smaller and mr. chubs (my stomach) has defiantely gotten a little bit bigger.
I think people are more and more confused by me. I've noticed most of the time no one uses pronouns.
I've been having more and more back pain from binding. It was so bad on Sunday morning that I 
ended up not going to
the AIDS walk. sigh.
AND NOW ..............one of our pup Crunchy. She was playing with me while I was talking pictures....
The zine is finished!!! Please check it out, we're so very proud of it!
“We make you uncomfortable partly because we’re different, partly because we’re sexual, and partly because we’re not so different.” -Patrick Califia
Announcing a new zine about transgender sexuality and erotic empowerment:
How to Fuck a Tranny
Theory meets erotic fantasy in this activist-driven, in your face, sexually-charged publication, featuring:
I noticed that my struggles with my family have been missing from anything I've written oh here yet.
It's enough to say that they are in denial, choosing denial, preferring denial, I'm told.
I wish I could go through a day without thinking about this pain...right now.
Maybe it won't always be like this?.
Last night I helped out a friend who directed the troupe I was in last summer with a theatre workshop for trans and queer youth at the High Scope retreat house. Mainly to perform a piece I had written as an example of "telling you story" and from someone who is definitely a non actor. I think the workshop went well, I wished I would have been a little less nervous.
The grounds were beautiful, and I'm a bit sad that I couldn't stay for the whole weekend. I meet some great, creative, and intelligent youth and spoke with some of the program staff as well.
After talking to a few people last night it got me thinking about how I often compare myself, my story, my body, my experiences to those of other trans guys...of course using these things as a way to invalidate my own identity, letting all that internalized transphobia rear it's UGLY head.
Last night in a very "queer" space I suddenly found myself to be the more "gender conforming" person there, meaning I think some of the other transfolks there Id'ed as genderqueer noho types, and viewed me in a certain way accordingly. not a bad way....though. nobody asked about pronouns and assumed I was bi, which is pretty damn close. It was bizarre and great at the same time.
But back to the comparison (this constant thing in my head about me not being "real" not being "Trans enough") minus all that comparison, in a fairly safe space I felt that i'm the person that I wanted to be. wanted to be..for so long. like whoa, that's me, this is who I am this is what I'm doing, this is how I'm living. It was a good realization.
It seems the most simple and most complex thing for me was just self-actualization.
I have a surgery date.
Everything is still up in the air.
but I have a date....no deposit needed for a date they said.
The surgery consult went very well. The Doctor was knowledgeable and gentle. He spent a long time with Carrie and I describing the procedure, taking measurements, pictures, and answering every question very pateintly.
although he has not done very many FTM top surgeries he is very well known for his cheast reconstruction work and breast reduction work---with minimal scarring.
I feel very confident that he understands my identity and my desired outcomes. And I can even get a surgery date in early December.
The problem is my work insurance policy does not cover trans related care.
The work insurance policy should cover trans realted care. I can't say more about it right now...but I am in limbo..waiting.....
******Please note this next section is vague beucase I'd like to maintain this blog publicly and this situation should not be made public until it is resolved******
And I've reached a point where I have to begin to advocate for myself. I find it much easier to advocte for others. Hell..I feel like I've spent a good portion of the last 6 or 7 years doing that. But when it comes to me.....
And now the risks are higher. less about emotions and more about my survival...my empolyment and not just someone elses policies...someelse's stuggle (not that that's not important) Now, maybe I really am an activist..beucase now there is risk and my life and my freedom and this injustice ARE worth the risk.
sometimes this awkward existance makes policy. and i feel so goddamn pissed off and resistant. I want to be quiet. And parts of me sometimes want to come in and work hard and go home feeling satisfied.
4 months on T and I've got 2 words for you:
PIMPLES and HAIR GROWTH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been thinking a lot about the "stories" that we tell ourselves. The narratives that make up our collective, often forgotten, histories. For survival. For validation.
My stories just don't match. Parts of my body are still here. Parts of my past, parts of my thoughts are here. Most of me isn't going anywhere.
So I'll pass on the tips, the lessons, the resocialization...
Yes I notice...I'm still ovulating...not bleeding, just ovulating, and yes, I'm a guy who ovulates, and it won't be like this forever...and I will fight to love myself now..just as much as I plan to love myself when that no longer happens.
I will not be made invisable by your stories. Sometimes, it seems, I am so quiet beucase my story doesn't make sense. Sometimes I think I am living in the wrong context.
Today I had to change the personal greeting on my voice mailbox at my new job. I just recorded a message and checked to see how it sounds.
I was totally floored. It was the first time since starting T that I had heard my voice recorded---actually heard what it sounds like. WOW. It sounds sooo different to me. I was so fucking excited (mainly because I sound like a totaly fag) YAY!!! Since I have no way recording my voice for now you should seriously call my voice mail at work to listen to it. leave me a message and tell me what you think. 248-398-7105 x26. If you get a recording hit 26 (my extension) and it should take you there!!!
In my attempt to not get run out of bathrooms and just feel safer here in Fabulous Gaylord Michigan I decided to try double binding. I usually have so much back pain from wearing one binder that I scoffed at the thought of 2.
and...WOW...I'm as flat as I've ever seen myself.
Nobody know's i'm trans unless the conference organizers sent out a memo LOL...(since I requested a single room with my scholarship) And I'm passing..or should I say people are precieving me the way I want to be percieved....as a guy...but...*sigh* not totally how I want to be percieved beucase I would check a trans box rather than a male box..if you get my drift. And it is so weird. can i say that again...sooooo weird.
Many people from the conference went out to Big Buck's Brewery...and this is basically downtown Gaylord...if you don't kn ow anything about this resturant..think beer and deer heads and hegemonic masculinity. When i finally had to use the restroom i hesitated for a minute standing in front of the women's restoom.....our server laughed and said "sir, you're in the wrong place..the men's bathroom is over there" oh god...the joy and the dread! hahaha...now i had people watching and not much choice...I kept hearing laura saying something like.."omg you're in big buck's brewery in gaylord going into the men's room....it's tranny bashing season!!!"
Everything was fine.....but...whew..it was a little stressful.
"passing" is still strange for me....I need to write and think more aobut it...I have a lot of fears around it actually..but I think i will always a person with a complex story...who's identity isn't always visable..no matter how peeople percieve me.
I'm away in Gaylord Michigan at Treetops at the Michigan Smokefree Environments conference. I am supposed to get my shot tomorrow morning, but am waiting until friday afternoon when i get home. Carrie is doing my shots. I have a major phobia of needles..shots..blood ect. Sometimes it amazes me that I am so interested in health related work. Anyone who knows me might find this to be strange with my history of injury and love of tattoos ect. But those are much different things...to me. I do hope to be able to get to the place where I can self-inject if need be. It is frusterating to be dependent on others (even though i like when Carrie gives me a shot. It is our little ritual, and helps her feel part of my transition, which I also enjoy)
It's officially been three months. I am having trouble trying to describe how I feel these days. I think part of me was really wrapped up in all this exhilerating stuff of starting T and coming out to a lot more people....and now I am left with life and all these changes and dealing with family stuff in the backgroud that I have been avoiding.
A lot of body issues lately. Not so much issues...more like awareness, thoughts, ponderings, processing, particually around BDSM. Carrie and I went to our first "play party"/event last weekend. It seemed most people recognized me as her boy and not her boi which felt good. Sometimes I think I "pass" more in non-queer spaces...I find this very interesting.......I'm thinking about how i might want to play in public spaces, what to wear on the bottom...on the top? Flogging through shirts..ect.
I'll do a more detailed 3 month update on Friday night when I get home
Today was one of those days where I found myself not trusting people and their possilble good intentions...their ability to ever understand or care enough to ask....ask anything...
I felt and often feel vulnerable in a workplace which is "supposed" to be a safe haven for trans folk.
Today in the newsletter at work there was a brief announcement about me starting my new position with a picture. The picture was an old picuture. The picture is not a picture of who I am today. It is so difficult to be recognized for who I am on a day to day basis...and this is not the image I want everyone I am going to have to work with to have of me in their mind before they meet me......
The thing that is most frusterating about this incident is that the photo was going to be used back in April of this year at a fundraising event and Carrie happened to be in that meeting. She was able to explain to others whythis photo would not be a good choice to use whithout permission. duh!
A co-worker tried to keep reminding me to assume good intentions, but when mistakes are repeated I feel so angry and resentful.
This whole weekend has been amazing, in that I feel so relaxed. I also feel reconnected to my body. I'm really not sure why? I think it may have a little to do with the fact that I am alone (with carrie of course, who validates my identity) but mainly alone with myself to see myself and feel myself. With little outside "looks" or daily invalidations. It does a lot for this boy's confidence, self-esteem, and anxiety level *sigh*
On the drive up to Luddington Thursday night, Carrie and I got to talking. We talk abut my plans for top surgery this winter often, as I will be able to use my insurance for this purpose after October 10th. And...and our drive I was finally able to articulate a lot of my fears about the surgery which I so badly want and need in many ways. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt/shame for even feeling so "afrid". I'm afraid these fears are somehow attached to my identity.
I'm afraid of feeling loss
I am afraid of feeling alone
I am afraid of really feeling like I am 'neither' even though i already feel that way. Maybe it is the fear of not having some sort of default...even though I fucking hate it. my body not having any sort of safe space.
i think mostly...the saddest thing...is that I have a deep deep fear of actaully liking, loving my body. I have so much invested in this "not right" feeling. What will it mean to love more of me? What does it mean that I don't already.
I just want to yell at myself and say stop it with the god damn internalized transphobia already. but, alas...I am trying to be gentle with myself. Feel my feelings.
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